Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Terrors of the 7th Grade Dance


Me to my 7th grade daughter: "You can go to the school dance, but you can't slow dance with any boys."
My 7th grade daughter: "The principal said we're not allowed to say no."

This conversation, naturally, almost shocked me into a full-blown panic attack. Then it got worse.

Me: "Are you sure that's what the principal said?"
My 7th grader: "Yep! And she said she wouldn't tell anybody who we dance with. The teachers can't tell either."

I think I actually felt my heart hiccup. Because we all know who "anybody" is, don't we? Paranoid parents like me. Why would the principal ally herself with the students as the one who knows their secrets and won't tell? I had to know.

The principal explained that making the girls say yes to the boys was an anti-bullying technique. She didn't want the boys' feelings to be hurt, and she especially didn't want all the girls to say no to the same boy. I get it. But.

"Why would you ever teach a girl she can't say no to a boy?" I asked. "There are girls who say yes when a boy asks them on a date so they won't hurt the boy's feelings, even when the girl isn't interested at all."

"Oh, that's wrong," answered the principal. "They shouldn't do that."

But that's exactly where hypersensitivity to a boy's feelings can lead to, and of course there are other things that girls feel pressured to say yes to. The principal insisted that she never meant to give that message and that the kids were far too young to infer that meaning from her comments anyway. Hmmm.

In the end, we agreed on "no harm, no foul," -- no one asked my daughter to slow dance so she never did. And apparently none of the kids danced any closer than three feet apart. "You could have fit three teachers in between those dancing kids!" the principal laughed. Plenty of room for the Holy Spirit, as they say.

So what about the principal's promise not to tell anybody who the kids' dancing partners were?

"This is a step in their independence, a part of growing up. We believe in the innocence of our children and the protective environment of the school and home," said the principal. "Besides, the girls need to learn not to be afraid of touching a boy" -- wait, what?! Since when were schools teaching girls that?

As I began to peel myself off the ceiling, the principal elaborated, "We don't want them to stay stuck in the stage of boys are icky." Okay, true, we don't want them to act like six-year-olds forever. But that seems to be a natural evolution in perspective, and teachers shouldn't feel the need to hurry the kids along.

My 7th grader is my oldest child, so we are venturing into the uncharted waters of the pre-teen and teen years for the first time. I don't want to give her any complexes, but I also don't want anyone -- teacher or otherwise -- to push her into doing something that she isn't or shouldn't be ready for.

I welcome the thoughts of other parents on this -- parents with older kids, paranoid parents like me, progressive parents, and parents who know their kids will face this issue some day. What do you think? Is there any reason to be afraid of the 7th grade dance?

Photo Credit: jonstead. via Compfight cc

22 comments:

  1. Why are 7th graders having dances? Aren't they 12? I wasn't allowed to go to dances until high school, & even then I could say no if I didn't want to dance with anyone. I think telling girls they aren't allowed to say no as an anti-bullying technique is the STUPIDIST thing I've heard of. What about the girl who doesn't want to dance with the boy who's been giving her a hard time? What about not teaching our young men that no one will ever tell them no about anything no matter how uncomfortable the girl feels. Ugh. I Just can't even with this right now.

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    1. Schools are really going overboard with the anti-bullying trend right now. And boys definitely need to learn how to accept a no!

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  2. ..this principal is well meaning but definetly lacks wisdom, spiritual wisdom as well as knowledge about the psychological make-up of children in grade 7. Rejoice! Her tactics are doomed to fail. Nature, reality and the Spirit of God triumphs over the plans of mice and men.

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    1. Here's hoping the Spirit of God will triumph in the lives of my children!

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    2. always...but you might not see it till after the terrible teens, ,they always come back to their foundation

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    3. I have to admit that's what happened to me.

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  3. That principal is definitely not thinking long term implications of this kind of thinking! Yikes!

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    1. Parents of the 7th graders aren't allowed to chaperone, either. Only 6th grade parents can. I'm not sure the kids need that kind of "independence-building"!

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    2. what???seriously?but maybe grade 6 parents will be even more vigilant

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    3. It seems like there's a pretty high degree of vigilance (even the pastor attended!), but I still can't quite figure out why the parents of kids at the dance are deliberately excluded.

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  4. Karee, Never ever doubt yourself! You are right. The interaction you had with the principal is alarming to say the least. The parents should never have been excluded. Stand your ground. Ephesians 6:11-13. By the way, you are NOT paranoid. You are a good mother.

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  5. As a senior in high school who once attended seventh grade dances, if that's the message your principal is giving, I would be very concerned. When I was in seventh grade (which was a very short time ago) it was understood that if you were caught inappropriately dancing with anyone your parents and their parents would be immediately informed and you would be asked to leave the dance. Normal seventh grade dances I wouldn't worry about, since we usually had a mass exodus whenever a slow song came on and it was basically girls dancing in a circle with other girls, but the teachers were very strict about inappropriate dancing. If your teachers aren't as strict or even worse, are telling girls they aren't allowed to say no, I would keep your daughter home (and maybe arrange pizza or even a nicer dinner and a movie with some friends at home, which is a lot more fun) because even just seeing other people dancing inappropriately can be very uncomfortable. I'm 18 and I've seen it a lot and I still purposefully walk away if I see it.

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    1. Claire, thanks so much for commenting! I'm relieved that there didn't seem to be any inappropriate dancing at this particular dance, but I'm so aware of that possibility. I'm glad you agree that the principal was sending the wrong message! Good for you for taking matters into your own hands and walking away when you see something inappropriate that makes you feel uncomfortable. I hope my daughters grow up with that kind of moral strength!

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  6. Hi Karee. Hopping over from the Association of Catholic Women Bloggers. I'm totally confused after reading your post…so this is a Catholic grade school??? My children attend Catholic grade school (and I work there part/time as a teacher) and I am shocked by this. Two years ago, we did a "Valentine's Dance" for the K-5th grade kiddos…it was basically punch, cookies, the principal taking pictures of each child and their family in front of a red backdrop…and some really bad Toddler/Kidz Tunes music. The little ones loved it, but the activity was purposefully designed to not allow the 6-8th graders to attend the "dance". Instead, they worked in "service" for the event…staffing the cookie table…pouring punch for the littles…working the CD player, etc. Why…why…are we encouraging school "dances" for 7th graders…and then to read in the comments that 7th grade parents were not even allowed to chaperone…nope, you're not paranoid…your involved!!! Hugs.

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    1. Hi, Valerie! Yes, it's a Catholic grade school. I didn't realize that school dances were uncommon at that age. The public middle schools around here have them, I think.

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    2. Valerie, why have "dances" for "kiddos", as you call them? And why would a Catholic school have a "Valentine's Dance"? SAINT Valentine was a Roman priest who was martyred for officiating at weddings. This is a bit of a hobby horse of mine about which I've blogged a number of times. But in the context of the constant attacks on the sacredness of marriage in today's Western world SAINT Valentine is a model we can offer and his feast day, no longer on the universal calendar of the Church, can be an occasion to teach on marriage and other forms of commitment, including that involved in being a priest. God bless. [http://bangortobobbio.blogspot.com/2012/02/saint-valentine-martyr-for-sacrament-of.html]

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    3. Hello, Father. I recognize you from ACWB! Thanks for posting your link.

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  7. I agree with a lot of the comments above. I don't think you're paranoid. I do wonder about that principal--either she's extremely naive or her words and actions are not lining up. There's no good reason to exclude the parents of those attending.
    I think the idea of just avoiding the dances is a good one, and hosting a fun alternative. I would also speak with other parents. Many times parents are uncomfortable with something and think they are the only ones who are, and end up caving in, while in reality there are a dozen parents feeling the same way. If they found one another, they could stand strong more confidently together. You might also get other parents thinking about this, if they weren't already.
    The principal's policies are simply unacceptable and she's overstepping her bounds.

    Blessings!
    Jeanette

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  8. Hi guys! Now, I'm no parent (or Catholic, for that matter) however being in the seventh grade at a public school, I'm shocked. Keeping my religion discreet, I do see one point, to give the children no contact with parents about their dance partners unless they choose to. But you have to understand, it's especially hard for teens and pre-teens in today's world. With tech, and all sorts if bullying, kids can become... Depressed. I went throught it too. I had scars on my wrist and even chest for... Well we'll call it self harm with no specifics. The scars are gone now, but I'm just one of many kids that do that, or have done it. Even if you "shelter" them, cracks and crevasses will always be there. Just my thoughts though, have a nice day.

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    1. I do worry about my teens and pre-teens, and it does seem especially hard these days! There's no excuse for bullying ever, through social media or otherwise, but it does seem like tech creates new vulnerabilities. And I know that I don't have the power to "shelter" them completely. That's one reason Catholics are lucky to believe in guardian angels that can help when mom and dad can't!

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